Food and Men. Two things that have plagued my body and damaged my sense of self-worth. Food and Men. Two things that for so long have controlled my feelings, emotions and thought process. Minuscule moments of happiness are what each has given me. Nothing long term. Nothing long-lasting.
I’ve so easily and freely given all of myself to them only to get little to nothing in return. The feelings of elation they provide are only temporary and ultimately the results are the same. Both lie about the happiness they will bring only to me confused and upset in the end.
I’ve drowned my thoughts into a bag of candy. Its sweet goodness, like crack, providing a temporary high to my feigning body. I’ve poured my heart out to a man and sought desperately for his love. Through tense lips he whispered a forced “I love you “looking at me with cold eyes and a face blank and unchanged. Yet in my mind our feelings for one another were the same. #Fail….Lol.
Thoughts constantly played out in my mind screaming “You deserve better,” “You’re worth more!” Yet I drowned the words out with the deafening crunching of potato chips, my grease laden hands wiping away my overflow of tears.
I wrote him sweet notes and bestowed gifts upon him “just because;” only to have him struggle to remember my favorite color, completely forget my birthday and ultimately forgot my existence in the end.
Food and Men. Vices of my life. These two things have haunted me for the majority of my life. I’ve succumb to their enticing beckoning only to be betrayed as the numbers on the scale skyrocketed. I believed each man’s half-hearted attempt at dating me only to be devastated. Because while I treated him as my world, he quickly made it clear that to him I was just another girl.
I’ve allowed these two things to reign in my life. Permitting their unworthy, undeserving and unfulfilling energy to linger for far too long. I’ve allowed the cycle to persist far longer than I ever should have.
So I’ve come to a cross road. I must bid each adieu. The manner in which we currently co-exist has to cease and desist. Neither has been truly beneficial for me so our relationship must be severed. And I must begin anew.
Sorry I’ve been MIA. But as you may be able to tell, it’s been a rough month for me. This blog piece pretty much sums up why I’ve been residing at Heartbreak Hotel. It’s a long story but it’s finally over. So I’m hoping this will be the last sappy piece from me for a while. This should be all the closure I need. Now that it’s off my chest hopefully I can just get the heck on with my life ……….