Closure......

Food and Men. Two things that have plagued my body and damaged my sense of self-worth. Food and Men. Two things that for so long have controlled my feelings, emotions and thought process. Minuscule moments of happiness are what each has given me. Nothing long term. Nothing long-lasting.

I’ve so easily and freely given all of myself to them only to get little to nothing in return. The feelings of elation they provide are only temporary and ultimately the results are the same. Both lie about the happiness they will bring only to me confused and upset in the end.

I’ve drowned my thoughts into a bag of candy. Its sweet goodness, like crack, providing a temporary high to my feigning body. I’ve poured my heart out to a man and sought desperately for his love. Through tense lips he whispered a forced “I love you “looking at me with cold eyes and a face blank and unchanged. Yet in my mind our feelings for one another were the same. #Fail….Lol.

Thoughts constantly played out in my mind screaming “You deserve better,” “You’re worth more!” Yet I drowned the words out with the deafening crunching of potato chips, my grease laden hands wiping away my overflow of tears.

I wrote him sweet notes and bestowed gifts upon him “just because;” only to have him struggle to remember my favorite color, completely forget my birthday and ultimately forgot my existence in the end.

Food and Men. Vices of my life. These two things have haunted me for the majority of my life. I’ve succumb to their enticing beckoning only to be betrayed as the numbers on the scale skyrocketed. I believed each man’s half-hearted attempt at dating me only to be devastated. Because while I treated him as my world, he quickly made it clear that to him I was just another girl.

I’ve allowed these two things to reign in my life. Permitting their unworthy, undeserving and unfulfilling energy to linger for far too long. I’ve allowed the cycle to persist far longer than I ever should have.

So I’ve come to a cross road. I must bid each adieu. The manner in which we currently co-exist has to cease and desist. Neither has been truly beneficial for me so our relationship must be severed. And I must begin anew.

Sorry I’ve been MIA. But as you may be able to tell, it’s been a rough month for me. This blog piece pretty much sums up why I’ve been residing at Heartbreak Hotel. It’s a long story but it’s finally over. So I’m hoping this will be the last sappy piece from me for a while. This should be all the closure I need. Now that it’s off my chest hopefully I can just get the heck on with my life ……….

                                                                                                                             Happiness Awaiteth,

                                                                                                                                                      


                                                                                                                                              MS.

Bidding Adieu

Dear 2011,

I’m not too sure how I feel about you. I don’t dislike you nor did I absolutely adore you. But I cannot say I’m sad to see you go. I can thank you because you brought one of my greatest dreams to fruition. Now that one of my dreams has been accomplished it’s time to move on and dream even bigger dreams.  As I look toward 2012, I can’t say I’m expecting great things but I am expecting to work on being a better me. 2011, you have taught me that there’s no way I can move forward if my eyes are focused on what’s behind me. So I must admit that in 2012, you’ll be out of sight, out of mind.

I feel as though I’ve settled a lot in 2011 and things certainly could have been much different. Whether it be relationships, friendships or anything in between I feel as though I didn’t reach for all that I had the potential of attaining. I won’t make resolutions this year but I will make affirmations. I will strive to do better and if I come up short I won’t beat myself up about it.

I won’t expect people or situations to change but if things aren’t working out I will certainly change the situation I’m in. I’m looking forward to 2012 not with great anticipation but with quiet confidence. I’m certain that a number of things will occur I just hope I make the best of them.

In 2012 I will write more, I will get out more and get to know this city I’m in. I will make new friends and meet new people. I will socialize (I likely won’t be a butterfly but hey the caterpillar’s got to start somewhere).  I won’t be limited by circumstance.

To 2011, it’s been real. Now it’s really time to move on. All that I ask is that in the final days we have together that you make them enjoyable and eventful so that things end on a bright note. Oh, and if you can’t do that, then do nothing. You’ve already done enough. I promise.

To 2012, I look forward to what you will bring and I am hoping to bring a lot to the table. I’m making no predictions but I’ve got full intentions to make this the best year yet. #Countdown_Begins

                                                                                                                Ciao 2011,

                                                                                                                                Madame Surge