Closure......

Food and Men. Two things that have plagued my body and damaged my sense of self-worth. Food and Men. Two things that for so long have controlled my feelings, emotions and thought process. Minuscule moments of happiness are what each has given me. Nothing long term. Nothing long-lasting.

I’ve so easily and freely given all of myself to them only to get little to nothing in return. The feelings of elation they provide are only temporary and ultimately the results are the same. Both lie about the happiness they will bring only to me confused and upset in the end.

I’ve drowned my thoughts into a bag of candy. Its sweet goodness, like crack, providing a temporary high to my feigning body. I’ve poured my heart out to a man and sought desperately for his love. Through tense lips he whispered a forced “I love you “looking at me with cold eyes and a face blank and unchanged. Yet in my mind our feelings for one another were the same. #Fail….Lol.

Thoughts constantly played out in my mind screaming “You deserve better,” “You’re worth more!” Yet I drowned the words out with the deafening crunching of potato chips, my grease laden hands wiping away my overflow of tears.

I wrote him sweet notes and bestowed gifts upon him “just because;” only to have him struggle to remember my favorite color, completely forget my birthday and ultimately forgot my existence in the end.

Food and Men. Vices of my life. These two things have haunted me for the majority of my life. I’ve succumb to their enticing beckoning only to be betrayed as the numbers on the scale skyrocketed. I believed each man’s half-hearted attempt at dating me only to be devastated. Because while I treated him as my world, he quickly made it clear that to him I was just another girl.

I’ve allowed these two things to reign in my life. Permitting their unworthy, undeserving and unfulfilling energy to linger for far too long. I’ve allowed the cycle to persist far longer than I ever should have.

So I’ve come to a cross road. I must bid each adieu. The manner in which we currently co-exist has to cease and desist. Neither has been truly beneficial for me so our relationship must be severed. And I must begin anew.

Sorry I’ve been MIA. But as you may be able to tell, it’s been a rough month for me. This blog piece pretty much sums up why I’ve been residing at Heartbreak Hotel. It’s a long story but it’s finally over. So I’m hoping this will be the last sappy piece from me for a while. This should be all the closure I need. Now that it’s off my chest hopefully I can just get the heck on with my life ……….

                                                                                                                             Happiness Awaiteth,

                                                                                                                                                      


                                                                                                                                              MS.

Summer...Summer...Summertime!

To feel 'fit as a fiddle', you must tone down your middle.

-Unknown

So I did it. 45 minutes on the treadmill…. and….. wait for it……….About 10 minutes of jogging. I know it says 42 minutes but I accidentally pushed 40 minutes when I began and I didn't want to start over so I just did an additional three minutes when that was over. 

I tried doing intervals so I wouldn't get so tired and ended up doing more than I had initially set out to do. So yay I did it! I'll admit that during the first 20 minutes I became bored and discouraged. But instead of giving up, I turned up the volume on my Pandora reggaeton station (don't judge me) and kept it moving.  

That pool is what I got to look at while I was on the treadmill.  I must admit it was true motivation. Suddenly, it dawned on me that summer is fast approaching and your girl right here wants to actually be able to go to the pool. I don’t know about most of you but I have always avoided pools because of my weight.  But things must change this summer.

I admit that as I looked out into that pool I envisioned myself out there parlaying and soaking up the sun (with proper SPF of course). Visions of grandeur I know…but I’ve decided it’s what I want for myself this summer. So tomorrow I will be off to the gym to do it all over again after work of course because tomorrow is my first day…YAY!!

SURGE OF THE DAY: I'll be getting it in at the gym tomorrow so that I’m able to make healthy look good on me!

 I've got to keep reminding myself of this.

                                                                                                Dreaming a little Dream,

                                                                                                                    MS.

If They Knew Where I was Going, They’d Never Let Me Go…

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.

~Booker T. Washington~

Never did I imagine that by making this my e-mail signature line over 5 years ago this quote would have such a presence in my life. Little did I know but this would be the motto of much of my life. As the situations of my life  began to unfold I found myself replaying this quote in my mind time and time again.

Greatness. It crosses my mind every day. It’s what I aspire toward. It’s what I strive for. It’s what I yearn to leave behind as a legacy. As I mentioned earlier, I had my exit interview from my previous job today. 

Initially, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. In my mind, what had been done was exactly that…Done. I was ready to move on and forget that I’d ever even walked into that building. But 

I knew I couldn’t give them the benefit of feeling as though they defeated me. I’d spent several months taking their side bar comments and dealing with constant ridicule and I couldn't allow them to feel as though they succeeded.

You see, to most people who don't know me characterize me as that quiet person in the bunch (however those who know me beg to differ) but to those peeps at my job I was the “quiet one.” And in my profession, unfortunately, quiet often equates to unintelligent.  Yeah. That’s what they think. However, I’ve seen quite a few people talk a lot and say absolutely nothing. And in the alternative I’ve seen individuals evoke powerful thoughts with just a few short words.

But I digress. So I went to the exit interview and told them exactly how I felt and exactly what I had experienced during my time at the workplace.  And apparently I wasn’t the first to be concerned with what was going on. I was informed that some changes were about to be made and I can honestly say I couldn’t be any happier. It’s not a revenge thing its moreso a do what’s right type of mentality. 

I find it unfortunate that we are in 2012 and ignorance still runs rampant in workplaces. I’m glad I had the opportunity to state my peace today and now I can move on to bigger and greater things. I’ve worked too hard and overcome far too many obstacles not to seek out greatness.

I clothe myself with greatness each day and exude confidence despite my current circumstance. I know that my time at that job was only for a season.  And I have learned in my lifetime that greatness can’t be attained if you’re not willing to work hard and move forward in spite of adversity. #On_To_The_Next

                                                                                                                Onward and Upward,

                                                                                                                                   
                                                                                                                                          MS.

Working on a Saturday Night...

Such is life. I’m living and working. Working and trying to live. I just moved into my new spot. Allll by myself!!!! LoL!! It’s definitely a new experience but one I plan on enjoying to the fullest. Independence looks good on me. Well at least I believe it does UNTIL these bills start to kick in. My furniture arrived yesterday after I had slept on an air mattress for a whole week. (Looooong story + Sleepless Nights = No Bueno) Lol! But hey I’ll have a story to tell my kiddos one day! I’m really trying to get back into the blogging thing. But work has been kicking my arse! However, I will try and I will do my best to blog. But for right now, back to work I go. Until later!

And on a side note: Some man at Walmart told me I was sexy today! Lol! Yeah it  was Walmart! But hey that never happened in the other neck of the woods that I lived in. Before I was just stared at or chased around the grocery store by men that scared the dickens out of me! Yeah those experiences were definitely comical. Oh well..#movingonup ..LoL!

                                                                                    Ciao,

                                                                                    Madame Surge 

Bidding Adieu

Dear 2011,

I’m not too sure how I feel about you. I don’t dislike you nor did I absolutely adore you. But I cannot say I’m sad to see you go. I can thank you because you brought one of my greatest dreams to fruition. Now that one of my dreams has been accomplished it’s time to move on and dream even bigger dreams.  As I look toward 2012, I can’t say I’m expecting great things but I am expecting to work on being a better me. 2011, you have taught me that there’s no way I can move forward if my eyes are focused on what’s behind me. So I must admit that in 2012, you’ll be out of sight, out of mind.

I feel as though I’ve settled a lot in 2011 and things certainly could have been much different. Whether it be relationships, friendships or anything in between I feel as though I didn’t reach for all that I had the potential of attaining. I won’t make resolutions this year but I will make affirmations. I will strive to do better and if I come up short I won’t beat myself up about it.

I won’t expect people or situations to change but if things aren’t working out I will certainly change the situation I’m in. I’m looking forward to 2012 not with great anticipation but with quiet confidence. I’m certain that a number of things will occur I just hope I make the best of them.

In 2012 I will write more, I will get out more and get to know this city I’m in. I will make new friends and meet new people. I will socialize (I likely won’t be a butterfly but hey the caterpillar’s got to start somewhere).  I won’t be limited by circumstance.

To 2011, it’s been real. Now it’s really time to move on. All that I ask is that in the final days we have together that you make them enjoyable and eventful so that things end on a bright note. Oh, and if you can’t do that, then do nothing. You’ve already done enough. I promise.

To 2012, I look forward to what you will bring and I am hoping to bring a lot to the table. I’m making no predictions but I’ve got full intentions to make this the best year yet. #Countdown_Begins

                                                                                                                Ciao 2011,

                                                                                                                                Madame Surge 

Contemplation...

It’s the eve before Christmas and I’m sitting at Starbucks while the rest of the world is hustling and bustling trying to round up their final Christmas gifts. As I sit here and as I go through my daily life, I am assured of nothing more in this world other than the fact that God loves me tremendously. There is no question and no doubt in my mind.

As I sat contemplating the creation of this blog and debating whether it was the right decision for me (since I’ve started and gave up so many times) I was jolted out of my thought process by a fellow patron at Starbucks.  He walked up and simply stated, “Ma’m here’s some words,” handed me a paper napkin, and walked out of the coffee shop.   It wasn’t his phone number nor was it a lewd statement or an invitation to dinner. It simply stated, “Delight yourself in the ways of the lord (Jesus Christ) and he will give you desires of your heart.”

As I read these words, I immediately thought, “who knows my heart better than God” and who has provided for me even when I had nothing. God knows me better than anyone else and despite all my faults and shortcomings he has loved me nonetheless. So as we celebrate the day of his son Jesus’ birth and as we enter into this New Year I think it’s time to seek Him and ask for His direction and guidance. It took a small action from a stranger to cause me to genuinely contemplate this statement and seek a renewed direction for my life.

I haven’t honed in fully on what this blog will include but it’s certain to provide an insight into all that is me. (as random as that may be) However, for all who know me, they are aware that God has always come first. This New Year is guaranteed to bring a variety of things (good, bad and possibly disappointing) but I’m grateful I have a God I can lean and depend on throughout this year.

Although the world has tried to commercialize the real meaning of Christmas, I know who holds tomorrow and I know who has allowed me to live this day.  There is no amount of money nor is there any gift that can make up for all that God has done for me. I’m grateful for what he has brought me through and I’m thanking him in advance for the blessings he has for my future. Happy Birthday Jesus! Without you what would we do? Just wanna say, thank you.

                                                                                                                                Love Always,

                                                                                                                                       Madame Surge